


it's not love

by nagivto



Category: Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 05:16:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19739071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagivto/pseuds/nagivto
Summary: i honestly don't know what this is but every time i hear certain songs i get the urge to write and komahina always fits it- but to put it brief hajime wants komaeda for different reasons than what komaeda wanted and he let's it out





	it's not love

**Author's Note:**

> it's 3 am and i have to work in the morning but i had to just write this because my brain was filling with this idea
> 
> i might make this into a full thing at some point but for now : )

He’s been actively taking care of me for awhile now. I’m not sure if you could really call it taking care of, but I’m grateful that he even looks at me. It seems like I spent all this time trying to desperately catch his attention and now that I got it, it just doesn’t feel right. Something about it makes me feel more hollow inside than I did when I was alone.  
“Well there he is, just the man I wanted to see.” He smiles at me and my emotions split into two seperate paths.  
“Yep, I waited here just like you asked me to.” I try to give him a slight smile.  
“You’re such a good boy.” He praises me while he settles down on the bed right beside me; letting his hand graze against my cheek, eventually pulling my chin up to look at him.”You deserve to be rewarded, don’t you think?”  
I nod, keeping quiet as he winds his hands over my body, and we go about the nightly routine.

“I really do love what we do, Nagito. I might even say I love you.”  
We’re lying in bed together just inches apart. Our faces were so close; I could hear his breathing slowing as he winds down from our nightly exhibition. Why can’t I just kiss him now? Just a soft kiss so I could feel validated.  
I watch as his eyes slowly close and he rolls himself over, while I’m left staring at his back. Even with the warmth of someone in a bed next to me I couldn’t help but shiver from the cold loneliness draping my body. I don’t know how much longer I could go about doing this.  
I wait until his breathing falls into a slow pattern, his body lying stiff, besides the slight rising and falling of his side. Slipping out of bed and glancing over my shoulder every so often, I make my way to the door. I’m sorry Hajime, I wish I could’ve kept doing this.  
The keys jingle in my hand, the cold metal almost warm against my chilled fingers. I make my way to the car and start it up, driving to a place of no destination.  
The night life of the town is little to none. The only company I have is the occasional light rolling over the windows of my car from the light posts outside. I didn’t bother putting the radio on, I’d rather leave it silent so I can gather every one of my thoughts.  
After what seems like hours of driving, I pull over into a field. Turning off the car, I get out and take a huge breath. I had been holding my breath practically the whole car ride without noticing.  
The sight was absolutely breathtaking. The stars seemed to twinkle and spin in the sky, seemingly making the silent night quite loud. Wind sweeping through the long blades of thigh high grass, edging it on to dance to an unknown melody. Shuffling through I let the greens tickle me, stopping towards the middle. The grass expanded for feet upon feet, giving me plenty of space for my exhausting thoughts to spill out and paint the grass in an array of colors.  
“This isn’t what I wanted from you! This isn’t what I ever wanted from anyone. I don’t want you to keep touching me like this with no passion behind your fingertips. I don’t want to sleep in a bed next to you, but yet feel like you’re somewhere down on Earth while I float along hopelessly in another galaxy. I don’t want you like this! I want you in a way I can call you mine. I want to be able to wrap my arms around you in the evening in a way that doesn’t require anything extra afterwards. When I told you I loved you this is not what I meant. I do not love what you do to me. I don’t love who you’ve made me. I don’t love you! I don’t love you anymore I don’t. I loved who you were before you began to see me in a different view. Before you saw me as someone that you could have at your disposable use." The more I yell the more I could see different colors splashing around me. Reds for anger, orange for confusion, blues for repressed emotions, purples for false senses of hopes, and yellows for moments of happiness where I could pretend that what we had was a normal relationship.  
"I don’t think you’ve ever cared about who I am or who I was. I don’t think you ever took a moment to think about anything about me except when you’d be fucking me next and I hate it! I hate it so fucking much. I hate you! I hate myself. I can’t even blame you for any of this. I can only blame myself for letting you use me this way, for letting anyone use me for that matter. I’m useless! I can’t do a damn thing right. I can’t stick up for myself and I can’t take a stand when I need it most. Everything is always my fucking fault and I have no control over it. It feels like I’m on an elevator and every time I feel like I’m finally at my level it keeps going down and down and down. I can’t make it stop even when I try. Whenever I try to pull those doors open, to let someone in who could possibly help me, my brain plays a trick on me and I end up going even faster. I keep telling myself that if I just wait, if I hold on just a bit longer then maybe, you’ll finally show me the attention I want. I don’t know how to talk to you. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do. God I don’t even know what to do. It hurts. It all hurts way too fucking much.”  
Collapsing onto the ground in a heavy sobbing mess, I can’t yell anymore. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I’m just left alone crying on the fucking ground wishing someone would fucking hear me. Wishing he would hear me. But he’ll never hear me. No matter how loud I yell or how much I jump around trying to get a reaction, I will never ever be seen or heard. I’m just destined to be a disposable object and I can’t change that.


End file.
